Tour de France Cold Turkey
It's finally happened, we knew it would, our long suffering partners have prayed for it for weeks. But now Le Tour is over for another 49 weeks......
......oh the humanity.
So far this morning I have checked ITV4, Eurosport and all manner of dodgy foreign satellite feeds. No luck, they decided not to do an encore. I have no choice but to face reality. To help you all through this traumatic time I have compiled a survival guide hotlist suggestion thingey:
1. Watch the entire race all over again
Because lets be honest we all recorded the live coverage of every stage didn't we. What's that you didn't? Don't worry I am sure Youtube has got your back. As an added bonus why not track down a foreign language commentary and use it to learn a new tongue. I have always wondered what was Ukranian for "Quintana looks like he has gone 10 rounds with Fury then celebrated with the chorus girls of the Moulin Rouge, he's blowing out of his...." Alternatively watch the race in reverse. The only time you will ever see Chris Froome's lead shrink and Oleg Tinkov become less obnoxious as time goes on.
2. Go outside, meet people, talk to them
Ok breath! I know it sounds scary but after three weeks shut off from society it might be time to remind your friends you are still alive. Maybe you can make some new friends to replace the ones who abandoned you while the race was on. Remember to try and talk about something other than cycling, often taking an interest in other people's life and interests is a popular (if dull) way to converse. It turns out the world didn't stop for the Tour. Some helpful phrases you might use are "what do you mean I missed the whole summer", "May is Prime Minister, Boris is Foreign Secretary, OMG we are all f****d!", "Pokemon what now?!"
3. Ride your bike
You remember that beautiful machine that you love so much and got you interested in Le Tour in the first place. It may require a bit of TLC having been recently neglected. Maybe start with a good clean, strip down, re-grease and adjustment. Or even better.....New bike time!! That natty carbon dream Sagan rode would make an amazing addition to your garage. Would a metallic green paint job and rainbow details on the wheels be overkill?! Don't forget when riding that your legs will need to be eased back in gently, try to avoid steep gradients and be sure to make regular coffee and cake stops to prevent over training and injury. For added authenticity research the history of local buildings on your route and provide a commentary for your rides detailing how they date back to the 12th century and have a checkered past. Alternatively list "interesting" facts about the industry that sustains the local population.
4. Man the f*** up!
It's just a bike race for god sake. Don't be a baby. Lycra up, jump back on the bike and smash those KOM's. You are a man not a mouse, and anyway La Vuelta will be along soon.
